I can’t quite remember when, but recently, I was thinking about the night you broke my heart and ,though I thought you couldn’t do it again, the day you broke my heart again. I really wish I still had my blackberry and I could read those messages. I want to know if it still hurts, I want to know if I’m over it or not.
I just miss you so much. </3
I’m in a really bad mood today. I honestly really didn’t want to go to Folk Life with Gabby, Dillon, and Shannon today. This past weeks I’ve just gotten so sick of them. Gabby complains all the time and Dillon is just like ontop of Shannon 24/7. I know its horrible to say this about like my bestfriends but I just needed to vent some where. But I am going to folk life today, I hope I don’t want to kill myself the whole time.
This is a rant that is really horribly written and doesn’t make sense, but it’s a rant and I’m tired.
How can I feel happy but think about killing myself often? Like I feel happy all through out the day and whatever. But when I think about things I think about not being alive anymore. Sometimes when I’m at the beach I think about just walking out to the middle of the ocean and letting myself drown. It sounds so peaceful but scary at the same time. I’m really just confused about my emotions. oh and I’m back to day 1, being in first period today and seeing you for some reason gave me anxiety and I just finally went in my back pack and grabbed it. I was high so it didn’t feel as satisfying, mainly because I didn’t really feel it at all..
Definitely wont forget that. lol
You’re a pig.
Fuck I accidently wrote what I’m about to write here, on my other tumblr. I really hope no one saw it before I deleted it…
I feel like something traumatizing happened to me when I was really young, and I just don’t remember.
I hated being there last night. I felt scared. I felt sick to my stomach. I felt like crying and I really just want to go home. I felt like that this morning too, I felt that way until we left.
I’m completely content with not having a man in my life. I don’t want to be one of those girls that cry about every single little thing. He’s your boyfriend not your little brother or your son, you can’t be THAT attached to him. Fuck, I think ill be okay for another few years with out a boyfriend.
Last night was super weird.
I want to cut, I need to cut. I just don’t feel like this urge to do so is going to subside, until I actually do it. It’s been awhile, and I’ve been getting so much better but I’m just not sure how much longer I can last.
Damn, you might as well have just kicked me in the gut. ‘Cause that’s what your words feel like. I kind of run out of breathe when I read your texts and my heart sped up and it hurt. I just want to be able to talk to you again. But you obviously can’t let that happen. Fuck.
I’m struggling. Struggling to not cut, struggling because I’m not even sure why. I’m trying so hard to be happy but for some reason I don’t find myself coming out of this rut any time soon. Which really sucks because there’s nothing I hate more than feeling like this.
When I saw you while I was parking at prom I went straight to my bag and chugged the alcohol I had brought. I was shaking so bad just seeing that you were there. That you were at MY senior prom. I was seriously almost crying through my whole prom. I’m not sure if that was because you were there but I just hated it. And then you came and talked to me. I’m not sure what Jubeth was thinking when she asked you to dance with me.. I wanted to say yes but I also wanted to just yell at you for being there. I couldn’t say anything to you which is how it’s always gone. I wanted to talk to you. I wanted to go sit outside with you and talk to you for hours. I know that would’ve been better than that lame excuse for a prom. You apologized for everything, again. I’m actually really surprised that you still care. I still love you and I hate it. I thought I was doing better, I thought I was done with being depressed. I really wanted to tell you that. I really wanted to tell you that I’ve been doing a lot better. But I just couldn’t get it out and and that moment it made me think that maybe I’m not doing better. And today I just feel really depressed. I really hate feeling like this. It’s only been a day of feeling so upset and down for a reason I can’t figure out, and I’m just so done with it already. I don’t know how I spent almost every single day of my life like this for 2 years. I’m so grateful for the friends that I have right now because I feel like they’re the reason I’ve gotten any better.
It’s been a long time since I’ve even really thought about “boys” and I don’t like it. It makes me so frustrated and it’s definitely not worth the emotions. I like not having to worry about that.
I’m ashamed that my life was ever like that. I’m ashamed that sometimes I still have to fight it. It’s hard.
